5 months

“If you’ve nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all”. I suppose that’s been my motto over the last few months.

But maybe it’s time to find some sort of voice. What that looks like I’m really not sure but let’s try baby steps and see how we get on eh?

Life is back to normal now. Human beings are so resilient aren’t they? Bloody good job actually! Smiling has become the norm rather than the exception which I like.

Tiger continues to be the shining light in all this. He is such a little character, walking and trying to talk now. He tried to say his own name this morning which made me tear up for some reason.

We have moved house to be in the right schooling area. Into a dreadfully unattractive 1970′s box. And it really is 1970 since anything was done to it. Maybe I’ll share some of that stuff with you, if you’re interested. So, we’ve a lot of building work coming up and I’m scared and excited all rolled into one.

Work is not a good place at the moment and there’s some rocky roads coming up ahead but I need to be careful what I write. Don’t want to do a ‘Doo.ce’. Let’s just say they picked the wrong person to fight with this time. Maybe I’m changing and becoming tougher. I think this is a good thing.

But first it’s Tiger’s second Christmas and I’m so excited. He has no idea what it’s all about but bearing in mind he couldn’t even sit up last year it’s going to be so much different.

Not sure when I’ll be back, but I will be. Hope you and your loved ones have an amazing time and that 2012 brings you happiness.

Full to capacity

I got a call from the hospital late on Thursday evening. Would I be able to come in at 7.30am instead of 11am as they were able to move my surgery up to 8.30am.

So early on Friday morning we drove to the hospital that I was rushed to by ambulance. We had to take Tiger with us as we don’t have any family within 2 hours. It’s not our local hospital so we don’t make the journey very often. The last time was the day Tiger was born. I was crying then too, for much different reasons.

Mr BTC and Tiger didn’t stay with me long. I was conscious of the noise that Tiger would make and was pretty sure there would be other heartbroken people so I sent them home.

I was gowned up and prepped for surgery pretty quickly. I had to sign forms about baby cremation and blessings. I was sure that this was just a bad dream and I’d wake shortly.

A matron came to see me and her first words were “I’d like to apologise”. I was confused, everyone had been lovely and so sensitive. Then I heard words such as “surgical list” “problems” “later today”.

She promised I’d be in theatre by 1.30 pm at the very latest. So I lay there cold and alone in a hospital gown for over 6 hours.

At 2pm there was no sign of anyone. I took my gown off, dressed and told them I was leaving. I asked them to call me with a new date. This may sound strange but the last thing I wanted was another overnight stay and the later it got there was more risk of that happening. I just wanted to be at home, with my family.

I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for over 18 hours so I headed for a cafe and waited for Mr BTC to arrive. He is devastated. It hurts him that I am mostly having to do this alone due to childcare issues. He sobbed his heart out when he called his grown up daughters to tell them we had lost the babies. I feel I have let him down.

The lovely lady who did my ‘I’m so so sorry scan’ called me late the same afternoon. She had heard there had been a problem with my surgery. She was mortified and promised me that things would go smoothly next time. She said people would be “spoken to”. She also offered to see me in her miscarriage clinic. This was our last ever attempt so at this point I don’t see any benefit in doing that.

So we go back and try again on Monday morning. In the meantime I continue to miscarry at home and my heart breaks a little bit more every time I see the remains of my babies being flushed down the toilet.

This is tough.

6th July

A date that will be etched on my mind forever.

I don’t even know where to begin.

- Blood. Lots of it in the early evening.
- Clots
- 999 call to the ambulance due to huge blood loss
- Rushed to Accident & Emergency around 2 am. Alone and scared.
- Blood pressure falling repeatedly-hooked up to IV
- admitted to ward at 5am
- bleeding for 16 hours with no sign of stopping
- scan at 9.50 am

We’ve lost both babies. Surgical procedure tomorrow.

My heart is so broken. This is the end of our journey…why did it have to end so cruelly?

Take Two

We had our second private scan this week. Much more in depth than the first one so gave me an opportunity to ask questions and take things in more easily.

The upshot is we still have two heartbeats pumping away. The other good news is that the hematoma seems to have gone on its merry way. See, I know how to spell it now that I’m not scared of what the interweb says about it.

We do have a concern though. Baby One is measuring ahead (8 weeks ish) with a heart rate of 156, Baby Two is measuring behind (6 weeks ish) with a heart rate of 140.

I’m not too concerned about the ahead/behind scenarios as I know only to well that things can change either way on a regular basis. I know the heart rates are fine too. What we are concerned about is the size of Baby Two’s sac. It is massively different than Baby One’s…probably about half the size, if not smaller.

So the worry is that the sac isn’t big enough to sustain the baby.

The doctor just said it’s a waiting game and that it could go either way. We are going back in 2 weeks to see how things are progressing.

In the meantime I will try not to stress. Yeah right.

We so wanted a heartbeat

Instead we got two!!!!

Oh.my.good.g*d

And I also got a haematoma for my troubles (haematoma is probably not spelt right but I daren’t google it).

Unsurprisingly, today has mostly consisted of nervous laughter.

11 days

In 11 days we will know our fate.

The bleeding stopped last week which was a huge relief. I had another heart stopping moment where one of my HPT’s looked lighter than the day before. I’m not convinced if it’s a rogue or not but we will know in 11 days when we are booked in for a scan.

In the meantime, I’m having my second round of intralipid treatment. My cytokine levels didn’t come down into the normal range after two rounds of Humira so it’s the IV drip again for me.

Just for my records here’s my HCG’s to date:

5dp 5dt (10 dpo) – 49

7dp 5dt (12 dpo) – 125.
47 hrs between tests

11dp 5dt (16 dpo) – 542.
91 hours between tests

According to betabase, the doubling times between test 1 & 2 are faster than average. The doubling times between tests 2 & 3 are slower than average. So me being me, coupled with the bleeding and the one lightened peestick incident, will worry.

I will always find something to worry about.

It’s a bit like this…..

4 dp 5 dt I got a faint positive
5 dp 5 dt HCG – 49
7 dp 5 dt HCG – 125
7 dp 5 dt I started spotting pink/brown
8 dp 5 dt I had pink/red spotting. More than last time with Tiger.

Today is 9 dp 5 dt. No bleeding overnight but that might be the fact I self medicated a ton more progesterone last night. HPT looks darker than yesterday. I have another HCG on Monday.

I didn’t ever realise how hard this cycle would be. I thought that having Tiger would make me almost detached. Not so. I can’t think of much else and I’m just hoping everything is going to be alright.

Hope. Hope. Hope.