Decisions decisions

We fly out next week for our FET. Wednesday in fact, with transfer on Thursday.

I am just on my way home from Top London Clinic after having immune treatment. Full of egg and soya…intralipids style. I had raised cytokine levels and two rounds of Humira shots didn’t bring them down so intralipids was the way forward. Good news is my natural killer cell test results were just fine.

Also on 6mg of Progynova, 10mg Prednisilone, 75 mg Aspirin, start progesterone tomorrow (just for my reference).

Lining scan yesterday – 11 mm….could end up too thick, never knew it was possible!

Anyway, I have a quandary swishing round my head and any thoughts are most welcome.

If our embryos don’t survive the thaw, they’ll most likely offer us donated embryos and as much as I try to sort it in my head I’m torn.

Yes I want to expand our family. Although I’m worried about any imbalance that having one child genetically related to a parent and one not at all could bring. Could this cause problems further down the line for one or both of them?

It’s a really tricky one. What do you think?

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5 Responses to Decisions decisions

  1. alison says:

    Sending prayers for safe travels and for the frozen embies to be rockstars through the thaw!

    It’s hard to say what hubs and I would do in a situation such as yours if our embies didn’t make it. But, given the opportunity to try to give life to donated embies, I think we’d probably take it. One of my very good bloggy friends adopted her oldest son, and then found out they were pregnant a few short months later (yes, they are “that” family šŸ˜‰ Her boys are brothers not because of science or genetics but because they are part of the same family. How they got there doesn’t matter. Yes, I’m sure there will be conversations as they get older about one being genetically theirs and the other not, but it’s not something that will hold them back and hopefully neither will feel slighted by the way they came into the family.

    You will make the best decision for your family. Hoping all goes well! xo

  2. I think maybe there are a few things to consider here:

    1) Would you tell your son and any future kids that they are IVF babies and, more specifically, that they are from donors?
    2) If the above is yes, is that because it’s important to you both to be honest, or because you wouldn’t want them stumbling on the truth?
    3) At any point – really, really honestly now – have you had your own personal wobble about your lovely boy after he arrived, meaning did it hit you hard that he was not genetically linked to you?
    4) Does the clinic you’re going to have the facility to “find” the donors later on in life?

    All these questions aside, I can only speak from my own place. Ours aren’t donor but they are IVF babies. We’ve always been aligned that we have no intention of telling them how they came about – they’re here, their origins are irrelevant. I personally – and this is just me here – don’t want our little ones to ever know that there were relentless injections, tears, failures, miscarriages, any of that because I think it’s a very heavy burden for an adult to bear, let alone a child. Besides that, to me the past is the past. They are firmly in my life now. And the remarkable thing about children is their complete ability to take a concept onboard-our two look at their two half-siblings as their full blood siblings, and it’s returned to them from the older two. I think as long as we don’t give a higher value on a genetic link then all children that you may get to have in your life will only feel lucky that they have you two as parents, and each other as siblings.

  3. Emily says:

    Good luck!!! I’ve been waiting for your FET. I will be crossing everything next week for you!

    As for the donated embryos…. hmm…. I think (as we all learn after going through ART) that family is family, be it adopted, donated (sperm/egg/embryo/uterus), etc.. You love Tiger as much as a human mother could love a son. I have heard from people who have adopted that they love the child as much as if it came from their body. I don’t doubt you’ll love a child resulting from embryo donation just as much as Tiger. I think if that is the route you end up taking, that once you meet the baby, you will not be able to imagine life any differently, just as you must have felt with Tiger. (As if all the years of heart ache and treatment led only to Tiger as an individual, and if it were any other way, you would not have had Tiger). So as for love, I’m thinking you already know the answer.

    As for siblings with different genetics… it depends. Are you planning on telling them honestly when they are young, or older? I think that’s a hurdle one would face in general (with IVF and ART), but I don’t believe it would affect how the siblings thought of themselves or one another. Perhaps you adopted a second (which I’m sure there are many such situations)… I’m sure you will raise them with the same love, and as long as they know and feel that, the genetics won’t matter.

    Good luck with whatever your outcome is, and I’m thinking about you!

  4. Summer says:

    Very excited for you for this FET cycle!

    As for whether to use donated embryos or not, it sounds like you will be telling your kids about the donor aspect of how they came to be and that is why your concern for the imbalance of knowing/not knowing one or both genetic parents? I think that whether your kids will have problems with the fact that one is genetically related and another is not would be largely (though not completely) influenced by how you feel about it. I think kids can pick up on these things if you are not comfortable with it or have an issue about it. So, you may want to aks yourselves how you feel about having children where one is genetically related to a parent but not the other.

    One thing that this genetic imbalance may bring up is the fact that with donated embryos, any child that results may never know a genetic parent while Tiger, of course, will know one. There is no way to predict, of course, how much or how little your child will want to know the genetic parent(s) that they do not know, so you may also want to think about how you will want to handle that want/need to know and the questions that may come from that.

    Good luck!

  5. Silver says:

    I agree very much with Summer – how we present things will affect how are children feel about them (was just saying to DH that I must not transmit my hatred of cucumber to our wee boy – on a much more trivial note).

    We’re very much of the “be honest, tell and tell early” camp. There are too many people floating about that know bits of our story and too many possibilities that our wee one could find out how he came about for us not to be the ones that tell him. There is good research to say that adopted children and donor children are happiest when their origins are just a fact of life to them – something they’ve always known. My father had lymphoma and there was a possibility that he was going to need a bone marrow transfusion from a family member – what if I had something similar and my son was desperate to help his mum and someone had to either try to lie further to try and dissuade him or break it to him then that there’s no way he could help because he was a donor egg baby. Or worse, after my death he’s clearing out my stuff and comes across a piece of paper that gives it away and then can’t talk to me about it.

    I think that if YOU are at peace with the way your family came about, and if you love your children equally (which I’m certain you would), then your children would be just fine. It’s not genetics that binds us, it’s love.

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