I got a call from the hospital late on Thursday evening. Would I be able to come in at 7.30am instead of 11am as they were able to move my surgery up to 8.30am.
So early on Friday morning we drove to the hospital that I was rushed to by ambulance. We had to take Tiger with us as we don’t have any family within 2 hours. It’s not our local hospital so we don’t make the journey very often. The last time was the day Tiger was born. I was crying then too, for much different reasons.
Mr BTC and Tiger didn’t stay with me long. I was conscious of the noise that Tiger would make and was pretty sure there would be other heartbroken people so I sent them home.
I was gowned up and prepped for surgery pretty quickly. I had to sign forms about baby cremation and blessings. I was sure that this was just a bad dream and I’d wake shortly.
A matron came to see me and her first words were “I’d like to apologise”. I was confused, everyone had been lovely and so sensitive. Then I heard words such as “surgical list” “problems” “later today”.
She promised I’d be in theatre by 1.30 pm at the very latest. So I lay there cold and alone in a hospital gown for over 6 hours.
At 2pm there was no sign of anyone. I took my gown off, dressed and told them I was leaving. I asked them to call me with a new date. This may sound strange but the last thing I wanted was another overnight stay and the later it got there was more risk of that happening. I just wanted to be at home, with my family.
I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for over 18 hours so I headed for a cafe and waited for Mr BTC to arrive. He is devastated. It hurts him that I am mostly having to do this alone due to childcare issues. He sobbed his heart out when he called his grown up daughters to tell them we had lost the babies. I feel I have let him down.
The lovely lady who did my ‘I’m so so sorry scan’ called me late the same afternoon. She had heard there had been a problem with my surgery. She was mortified and promised me that things would go smoothly next time. She said people would be “spoken to”. She also offered to see me in her miscarriage clinic. This was our last ever attempt so at this point I don’t see any benefit in doing that.
So we go back and try again on Monday morning. In the meantime I continue to miscarry at home and my heart breaks a little bit more every time I see the remains of my babies being flushed down the toilet.
This is tough.